Ok caregivers, I’ve seen a few posts that say ‘I hate lying’. We are not liars, we are adjusting to our loved ones reality which just happens to be a little bit different from actual reality. We don’t call them liars, so therefore we aren’t lying.
This is one thing I’ve managed to accept, I’m not a liar and I’m not lying to my mom when I’m living in her reality. I have a lot of guilt about different things that I can and can’t control. But I’m not accepting lying guilt because I wouldn’t be saying these things to my mom if she didn’t have this terrible disease in the first place.
I went to a priest and talked to him about it, because I felt so bad. He said you are doing what is best for your father. It is not the same thing, because he lives in his own reality. Thankfully, he had a parent who had dementia also, so he had been through it…
Thanks for sharing these words… going into their world and time frame its actually a technique for Alzheimer’s, it’s called validation therapy. It is used to validate the person! Not at all considered lying!!!
I just do what’s best for Mom. That’s it. In the “real world” it’s a “lie” i.e. untruth. But for our LO, it’s a comfort and a way to help them with this awful desease!! It’s not meant to be an insult!
When we adjust to their reality it is a kindness not a subterfuge. We are simply rolling with the flow and this is something that should make us feel nimble, capable and strong but definitely not guilty.
Thank you for this reassurance. It eats at me to dance around mom’s insistence that she’s being discharged from the long term care facility.
When my Mom had fulltime caregivers in her apt, before she had to go to skilled, they would always call me to console her when she was anxious about having to go take care of her “children.” She had 10 of us kids & would sometimes revert to us still being small children who she had to get back to.
She didn’t make the connection to my age, she just knew I was her “person” & I would frame it as still being a young mother myself, & that her children were here with me, having a slumber party with MY children( who were older now too). She would really be desperate to care for them, & it would play out in detail.
She would ask if she should bring them over extra clothing or food, & I would tell her they were all set, & we were having snacks now & they were in their pj’s & happy, etc etc. It would dispel her fears, & she would thank me so much for taking good care of them, & we would make arrangements to bring them “home” to her in the morning etc.
They all lived out of state with families of their own, but to her, they were her tribe of little children that she needed to take care of. It was a blessing & an honor that I was able to care for my Mom in this way ♥️😞
Called therapeutic lying. We should always have their comfort and happiness at the forefront. Telling them things they can’t control and only makes them upset is cruel. Trying to reason with someone who lacks reasoning ability can be a function of us trying to rid ourselves of the guilt we are struggling with but does not benefit our Loved Ones. I guess you just need to ask yourself if telling them the “truth” will benefit them in any way or simply hurt them. Sorry. I’ll stop.
you are so right. We have to become their parent. And its a little tough , I had to do it. Right now my papa is at what I think is his last stage. And I have no regrets for the last 6 Years. He is/was very well taken care of. Thank you for what you do.
I’ve been in her world for years, it works for me.
Today she asked who my father was, I answered and she doesn’t remember him. Then she asked who my mom was, I smiled and said, a beautiful lady. I cannot correct her, not for the two minutes she’ll remember. Definitely not lying…
My mom has such a hard time with this concept. She says my dad is lying all the time and that my sister lies to him. Mom has such a hard time accepting that dad can have a different reality than ours. My sister and I try to get her to understand that we are joining his reality and try to encourage her to join in the reality.
It’s not lying..lying would be an intentional deception..we do it to comfort or control a terrible situation to which there is no rational answer..it’s simple because it helps