I need to vent. I am very unhappy because I feel that I was unfairly given a bad card in life, being my mom’s sole caregiver. I am jealous of my friends, who are out living life. I am jealous of my brother, who is living his life with his girlfriend. Meanwhile, I am putting my life on hold to care for my mom with Alzheimer’s. She is very difficult to deal with.
She is very stubborn and set in her ways. I want to put her in a nursing home because I am tired of cleaning up her urine and feces. I am tired of taking her to the bathroom and taking her places. Though I am working, my mom wants me to quit my job and stay home and take care of her. When she is sick, she is constantly refusing medical treatment and is paranoid that I will put her in a nursing home.
But having her home means, giving up my life, my sleep, and not having enough money cause she needs my care. I do not have any help or any solution. it is getting to the point that I resent her a lot. In fact, I am starting to hate my own mother because she is also very mean to me. She has even whipped me with a belt. There are even times I wish her dead because I want it to stop.
Comments:
#1
Do what is best for you and I think in your heart you know what to do. You need to contact a nursing home before something really bad happens, after all your patience won’t last forever. Don’t feel guilty because you know your situation is only going to get worse. Your mom will get used to the nursing home and you will not only be able to live your life but will also give your mom the help that she needs. Do it today
#2
You need to get her into a memory care place. This will be best for you both, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to or being able to take all this on and it takes a big person to admit this. I’ve worked in memory and hospice care for 20+ years and I know that I’m not wanting to take my parents on full time just as I wouldn’t want my kids to do so for me. It’s a lot! Imagine if she was someplace else, you could visit and be happy to see her rather than feeling stuck.
If you stay in this situation that you’re feeling resentment about things will most definately get worse and you’ll just pile more guilt and resentment. Stay healthy, have your brother help you find something suitable for your mom and don’t let anyone guilt you about the situation! You know you, you did a great thing trying but its often too much and most memory care patients end up needing 24 awake staff to be safe so this likely would have gone this way away some point. Hugs to you! Move forward for both of you.
#3
As you are having to work I think the best and only solution would be to put her in a nursing home where she will have 24 hr care this will take a lot of the stress away from you knowing she will be looked after I would get it arranged as soon as you can and you will be able to get your own life back on track which is something you badly need to do right now dont feel guilty about it you will be doing the only thing you can in the circumstances
#4
I understand how you feel. However think about all the times that your mother wanted to go somewhere when you were younger. She can always go because she couldn’t afford a babysitter. She couldn’t always go because you were sick, she didn’t always go to work because you were sick. I can’t say that I resent mom I don’t but I feel that taking care of my mother is payback for her taking care of me. I don’t have any real good answers for you. I just know how I feel, as long as I can take care of my Mama myself shall not see the inside of a nursing home. You just got to do what’s best for you and your mom.
#5
It’s time you made the hard decision….God knows you have done the right thing. Continuing to do this under this kind of stress does nobody any good. Salvage what relationship you have and place her for help then when you come to see her you will both appreciate what time you have. God go with you
#6
You don’t feel this way alone. I am in my retirement years when I should be going places and doing things. Coffee with friends and visiting people. Going to ball games and just enjoying myself. I am instead taking care of my boyfriend of 15 years with this desease while his children are going on with their lives and living to their fullest
#7
If you were my daughter ! I would want you to put me in a nursing home ! It would be best for both of us ! You need to have a life ! I’m so sorry you are going through this . I will be sure to have my children know this is what I want. God bless you ! Thank you for what you do !
#8
There is a reason nursing homes have staff 24 hours per day…no one person can do it alone. The last time my mom was hospitalized I had her admitted to a nursing home, her greatest fear. She still thinks it’s temporary and I play along, but since then her blood sugar has stabilized, she takes her meds without question and I have peace of mind that she’s safe and cared for.
#9
You have every right to feel this way. It’s not wrong. You need to find somewhere to place her before you lose yourself completely. There is no shame in this. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and research into different things the last few years and we really need to care for ourselves before we care for others. It’s an old adage, “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” but people (especially in Western cultures) think it’s some kind of badge to give give give to everyone but themselves. You’ve done what you can and now it’s time to take care of yourself. Peace and love to you. 💛
#10
Please seek out assistance for yourself. Many employers have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) when individuals are going through a tough time in life. You recognize your problem and know what needs to be done. Many blessings for you on your journey.
#11
I know how you feel, but they are the ones missing out on the small precious moment when your loved one is having a good day, and does or says something sweet and thoughtful, hold on to those times, write them down. Cherish each moment because when it’s time for your l9ved one to pass, only you’ll have those memories you shared. It’s sad for them.
Being a caregiver is a labour of love. Just keep that in mind. I am my loved ones caregiver. I know it can be stressful and feel claustrophobic. But I try to look at the bigger picture about what’s really important. Hope this helps a bit. Your doing the right thing hang in there. You are appreciated. 🙏🙏💕
#12
And you are right … I have been there too… and do what is best for you … I am also having Mum with me… yesterday I sat in an armchair and cried… I am so tired I am having no friends no life… my children asking me Mum for how many years u going to carry on like this. It’s been nearly 8 years now… my life is complete hell … stress all the time lack of sleep no holidays.. I gave up my full time work and do only 16hrs … My sister and brother don’t care … I am having enough… as much a I love my Mum I feel sorry for myself for not being able to let Mum go…
Yes I did have her in a nursing facility few times and once for a trial permanent stay but… because there was poor care I took her home… Mum was always very demanding always wanted me to be next yo her… jealous of me having friends… then when dementia came in place we had hard time her slapping me bitting kicking nights of her calling out… etc you name it. I angry too… why were we trained to be always for them? Why didn’t I hear : if I am not well just find me a place to live…. so because of this I feel guilty… and I do carry on.. 😡
#13
I wanted to say I’m right there with you sister!!! My mom is also very difficult to deal with, but only towards me. So my goal is to get her moved into a facility by the end of this year, because I need to get my sanity back.
#14
Do what you have to, for your own sanity. Don’t let ANYONE guilt you for not caring for your parents in your home. My counselor gave me a list of MY rights- you know, we also have rights💞 Do what works for YOU and your FAMILY situation. NO ONE who isn’t living your life should guilt you into a life situation you are struggling with.❤️ Sending you strength and courage.🌹
#15
It’s not wrong to take someone to live in a retirement village (sounds way better than nursing home). You do not need to feel guilty if you decide this is best. She might not be happy, but I don’t think she’s happy now either. Staff say that nobody likes being there at first but most adjust within 6 months or so.
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.
On the other hand, if you want to keep her with you but are just tired, read Shelley Beach’s excellent book “Ambushed by Grace.” And she actually has a section in the back of questions to ask yourself when deciding whether to have your LO live with you or not. That took away the last of my guilt.
It helped me to start thinking of it as a ministry and not as a burden – but – I only visit a couple times a week – I don’t have her in my house. Sometimes I wish I could, but we can’t have everything and neither can they.
#16
You are a good daughter. With what you’ve been through you deserve to live your life as your brother is. Your brother has the option to help with her care or place her as you would currently feel better doing. If he does not wish to care for her then start the process of meeting criteria to place her in care. I would speak with an Agency on Aging in your area to get assistance and support you need to make changes for your and your mom’s wellbeing.
#17
Tara, my sisters and I recently placed our mother in a memory care facility because she too was getting too difficult to care for. It’s a lot for anyone to have to endure. She is still getting adjusted and still has her days but I know it was the best decision to make for her safety first and your sanity.
It’s hard at first you go through so much guilt and pain however you will see that they are professionals in dealing with her disease. You don’t want to resent her she really can’t help her feelings and actions and the more the disease progresses the harder for you. Keep your head up and do your research on local facilities. It’s a tough decision but it really is the right thing for her.
#18
Alzheimers is the GUILT disease. Whatever we do we feel guilty about it. I know what you mean. I resent my life, my husband, people who are walking around happy and I feel as if this is a life sentence. But overall is the guilt. When you get cross, say bad things, want to put them in a home – all this does is torture you with guilt.
#19
I feel the same way. I am my MILs makn care giver. My husband helps me bless him but sometimes it’s not enough. And he travels for work. Most days I am bound to the house with her due to illnesses. I am able to get out once in a blue moon but it really isn’t alot. I was looking forward to being free once my daughter turns 18 next month and now I am tied again but this time to my LO. One day I would love to travel but for now I take care if her. I’m not complaining I’m just saying I understand too. And you are not alone. When you want to vent go right ahead. We all understand all too well.
My MIL has 7 kids and all in other states so it’s hard for them to visit but they do and this last time all the brothers came out and built us a deck in our backyard to help mom get out more. That was so sweet of them. They would do more if they could and for that I am thankful.
#20
Sending you prayers and love. It is not easy…Some may not agree but it is important you maintain your peace of mind and wanting to have your own life is not selfish in my mind. Can you get more financial assistance so you can hire more in home care…or get creative financially. We are resting the house out so my mom can be in memory care at an assisted living. There is a stigma around ‘nursing homes’ but some of them are ok. You always have options. I feel for you sending a virtual hug 🤗 your way.
#21
Resentment is a time when you know you need help, mostly for you, as she won’t remember and won’t care, because she is unable to, this disease is without doubt the worst… Take care of you… Easier said than done, I know… Live it every day.
#22
Hugs for you as well. My mother lives with us too. I work 6 days a week 9 hour days, caregiver twice a week, my young son who’s 14 and my husband who works the morning shift watches her in the evening. But when she gets that aggressiveness and tries to get froggy with me I can’t bare that moment either. Family like her sisters don’t come around, ask how she’s doing? Like bye y’all fake. Her sons don’t come by either. So on that note…it is what it is. This illness suck as well.
Earnings Disclosure: Bathliftreviews may earn commissions from Amazon when you purchase products from Amazon links on this page.
#8 comment is absolutely correct! Hospitals and nursing homes have round-the-clock staff because NO ONE can do it alone. You have to sleep too! My mother was trying to care for my father full-time and it got to the point where she was so tired that she was in a stupor and didn’t realize when he would start to fall over. When my dad was briefly hospitalized, he did very well because he was on a regular schedule for meds, food, etc. As soon as he went home things started to go downhill because Mom couldn’t do it all alone. We finally convinced her to bring help into their home. And as you know, if it’s Alzheimer’s then the patient gets to a point where they will turn on the stove burners, forget and walk away, and the house burns down. Or they become violent and chase people around in the middle of the night. You cannot care for another person 24/7. Tell your brother he has to pitch in financially; if necessary see an attorney and get some help!
Go back to work full-time and hire someone to come in and watch her during the day. That way you won’t have to put her in a nursing home. But BE SURE to also have at least one nanny cam functioning. My sister had a caregiver come in to help with our Mom while she worked. The caregiver was a diabetic and didn’t take care of herself. She was “out of it” one day when her sugar became unbalanced. Our 93-yr old Mom fell from her wheelchair and broke her leg. Thank heavens the nanny cam recorded everything. It was the proof we needed to show to the company that hired that ‘caregiver.’